You took my baby
You took my strength
You took my health
You took my cognition
You took my habits
You took my plan
You took my smile
You took my joy.

And yes, I know the difference between joy and happiness.
It’s my joy that You took.

You took my Christmas celebration
You took my husband’s vacation

You left me my heart, but You crushed it
You left me my life but You drained it dry
You left me my faith, but not the feel-good kind.

It was the stubborn kind You left me.

The grit-your-teeth, dig-a-trench kind of faith
The you-can’t-move-me-because-I’ve-nailed-myself-to-the-ground kind of faith
The you-can’t-carry-me-away-from-here-because-I’m-dead-weight kind of faith

You made me helpless and stubborn
Then You left me.

The speech of a despairing man is wind.

Church was hard for a long time
I couldn’t stand to sing.
Not only that, but I couldn’t stand or sing
I was too winded and weak.
My heart couldn’t sing any more than my lungs could
I knew the songs were true,
but only because of the stubborn-faith nail through my chest pinning me down in the trench.
The songs lilted past, 6 feet above me
I could only lay my hand on my mouth and be silent.

I am of small account;
I will not answer the Lord.
I lay my hand on my mouth;
I will not utter what I don’t understand.

Thing is, You’re big enough to bear the responsibility for the evil that happens to me.
Whether You did it or allowed it makes no meaningful difference.
If You’re sovereign, You bear the responsibility for everything.

Will you speak wickedly on God’s behalf?
Will you speak deceitfully for him?
Will you show him partiality?
Will you argue the case for God?
Would it turn out well if he examined you?
Could you deceive him as you might deceive a mortal?
He would surely call you to account if you secretly showed partiality.

I know the New Heavens and New Earth are yet to come, and You will have an answer to every injustice and pain then.
And in the meantime… here we are.

Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?

I don’t know whether You did it or allowed it. But I know You’re working it together for my good.
If the feelings aren’t here, I’ll just dig my heels in and stubbornly refuse to doubt your kindness and affection.

The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
I will wait on the Lord.

Even though I feel like You abandoned me,
I’ll believe You’ve never, never, no, never forsaken me.
Even though I feel left for dead,
I’ll wait for You expectantly.
Even though my strength is gone,
I’ll believe You’ll renew it.
And even as I have nothing to show for myself,
I’ll believe I am of great worth to You.

Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.

This night has been long, and the end is not in sight, but the clouds are finally clearing away.
Help me not to pine for the morning while You’re inviting me to stargaze with You.

Help me to love You more than the sunrise.

All italics are references to the book of Job